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Sometimes when you're young.
Having moments of such happiness.
A place so magical, nothing wrong.
It must have been Atlantis.

Where two leave their hearts,
in a haven protected.
Hand in hand, returning homewards,
eyes with love reflected.

But she didn't trust,
her heart near his.
Being affraid, not of disgust,
but of losing this bliss.

His love never ending,
but she didn't show.
This wound isn't mending
and she just let go.

He lost his heart,
to this girl so special.
Ripping his soul apart.
Luckily it wasn't fatal.

Ending this poem,
with the worst part.
Seeing another victim.
Running with her heart.
mommy told me, running with scissors is dangerous.
Gonna remind my kids running with hearts can be fatal..



Does this poem read easily?

tell me what you would change about it!
ty

take care
Add a Comment:
 
:icon007balel:
007Balel Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011  Student Writer
I love the imagery and this is a very beautiful poem
You speak of truth... running with hearts just leaves someone else without one...
Leaving them broken and lost....
Great job on this :)
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
thank you,
feels great when your work is loved by others :)
Reply
:icon007balel:
007Balel Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2011  Student Writer
I know what you mean.
This piece really deserved it.
Reply
:iconshesallfuckedup:
ShesAllFuckedUp Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
This is so beautiful and real it almost hurts a little bit to read it.
It reminds me a bit of my childhood, I can kinda relate to those feelings.

Well done, keep up the good work :)
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2011
thank you for your kind words :D
Reply
:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011   Writer
It reads very well. I like your imagery and the end shows maturity on the part of the speaker. Good job.
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
thank you :)
Reply
:iconbooky-trueidentities:
Booky-TrueIdentities Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
The last stanza doesn't flow very well i find but the rest is really good :)
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
the poem-victim thingy?
or what are you struggling with?
thanks for the comment!
Reply
:iconbooky-trueidentities:
Booky-TrueIdentities Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
i just don't find it flows well, it seems a bit forced.

most welcome :D i owe you for all the ones you gave me!
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
i adjusted it a bit, making it a bit shorter maybe easier to read.. making it more flowing? what do you say? :D

sorry about late responses, watching "shutter island", dan what a scary movie!
Reply
:iconbooky-trueidentities:
Booky-TrueIdentities Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I think its much better good job :) :thumbsup:

haha no worry im not exactly answering quickly either
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
thanks for helping me out! :D
Reply
:iconbooky-trueidentities:
Booky-TrueIdentities Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
No problem :) :hug:
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
well it kind of is forced..

the last 2 parts are.. but i wanted involve "her heart" in it and this other guy..
but i couldn't do it in 1 stanza, so i made 2.. too bad it doesn't flow well :(
Reply
:iconbooky-trueidentities:
Booky-TrueIdentities Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
its alright, everything is fixable :) and its not horrible
Reply
:iconninosuateftw:
NinosuateFTW Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
I love this~

(But just to let you know, you misspelled happiness :3)
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
omg misspelled.. what?
omg..

thank you for saying!
Reply
:iconninosuateftw:
NinosuateFTW Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
You're welcome ^^
Reply
:iconsiba23:
Siba23 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
running with scissors is dangerous,
i've got a scar on my intestines to prove it.....
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
it is dangerous, just like mental scars.. it's better to avoid both :)
Reply
:iconsiba23:
Siba23 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
sorry, did i leave a mental scar on you?
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
no you did not and you never will.
no one will ever be able to do that anymore :)
Reply
:iconsiba23:
Siba23 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
damien left a mental scar on me....
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
no one will ever be able to mentally scar me :)

and for you.. well it's a sign that you're too friendly, too na´ve or too trusting.

hope i didn't offend you :)
i think it's difficult.
Reply
:iconsiba23:
Siba23 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
yeah, offending me is difficult.

oh, see that makes more sense.....

and he scared me when he raped me in high school
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
i didn't want to offend you.

and i think you're having a difficult moment

that's what i've been trying to say..

and a mental scar like that, you're very strong to keep holding on.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icondarlingangel0565:
DarlingAngel0565 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Professional Writer
This poem is beautiful. The ending is sad and touches my heart.

You only have one typo, other than that I wouldn't change anything.

But she didn't thrust,
I think you meant to say, "But she didn't trust"

:heart:
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
thank you so much for correcting!
english is not my main language
and i was typing so quickly that i didn't see the mistake.

sometimes i just get these poems in my head and then it rolls out like nothing,
if they're not written down, they're gone forever :)

should've reread it three times.. but sometimes you can't spot your own mistakes :p
Reply
:icondarlingangel0565:
DarlingAngel0565 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Professional Writer
You are welcome. Sometimes I feel kind of funny correcting things, I don't want to offend anyone.

I do understand when you are on a writing spree,
How the words are in your mind,
And flow right through your fingertips,
How you don't want to lose your thoughts,
And how you can get lost in what you are doing.
To me that makes you a wonderful writer,
When you can lose yourself in your work.

Even if I re-read things, I sometimes miss something that someone else will notice for me.
Reply
:iconarcainwolf:
arcainwolf Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011
i can't thank you enough for correcting my spelling mistakes, just trying my best at the english language :D

and i do get lost in my poems sometimes, escaping this world. :p

maybe i should just write them down first on paper, and let it rest and re-read.
but then again i can't wait to let others read it to tell me how i can improve :D

ty :D
Reply
:icondarlingangel0565:
DarlingAngel0565 Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2011  Professional Writer
You are truly welcome :hug:

I always get lost in mine, especially the sweeter ones I sometimes write.

Keep doing your way, don't change anything. I like your style of just letting the words out and flow. :heart:
Reply
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